Exploring the box under my bed

Almost twenty five years ago I packed a suitcase and moved from the US to Australia, sight unseen for a job.

At about the same time, I listened to messages I received from society that told me I was a ‘grown-up’ and that I needed to be responsible and make money and do all the things that make one ‘sensible’. So I metaphorically packed a box full of my creativity, my intuition, my imagination and my feminine energy and stuffed it far under my bed where it would be hard to get to.

For twenty five years I lived and worked in a masculine world. I raced to the top of any corporate ladder that was put in front of me and worked hard to be the best in whatever job I had. I’ve never been a slacker…

Every once in a while I would go to the box under the bed and pull something out to use for a project, but then when that project was finished, I’d pack the box back up and slide it back under the bed.

Just over a year ago I walked away from that life full of masculine energy. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do. I took a leap of faith and decided to trust the Universe. As I did so, I came to realise that all those years of living and working and competing in the world using my masculine energy had depleted me. It was time for me to try something different.

I started focusing on my feminine energy. But as I went to get the box stored under my bed, I realised all those years in the dark had taken their toll. I needed to re-build my relationship with myself, with my intuition, my creativity and my feminine energy.

I started looking after myself and doing things that pleased me.

This was a radical shift for me after years of people-pleasing and putting everyone else first. I was a champion, world-class ‘should-er’. I could create a ‘should’ storm and feel guilty about ‘shoulding’ on myself faster than anyone.

At first I felt guilty about doing things that I liked doing. But as I started to get used to it, I realised that if I wanted to make real changes in my life and allow my feminine energy the space and time to flow, I needed to get quiet. Because even a year on, my masculine energy still goes to the box at times, looks in on my feminine side and says, ‘are you done yet? Are you ready to come out?’ without giving her the time and space to blossom on her own.

Much like the deer in the forest who will allow someone to walk past them as long as the person doesn’t look them in the eye, my feminine side is skittish from being cooped up too long and easily bolts each time my masculine side checks up on her. My masculine has ruled my life for so long, he finds it difficult to leave her alone and let her be.

But when she is left on her own, with no one to watch her, she emerges like a doe from a thicket, cautiously sniffing the air. When she realises the coast is clear, no one is there to approve or disapprove, no one to judge or shut down her creativity, that is when she, like the doe, dances in the meadow (or in my case in the dark at No Lights, No Lycra!) or paints or sings or writes or knits or decorates amazing cakes or recovers lampshades or sews dresses. No one is there to tell her she’s wasting her time or should be doing something else (cooking, cleaning, working, making money, looking after others…the list is endless).

In those moments, there are no ‘shoulds’ running her life.

As she emerges and realises more and more often that it is safe to play, she loses herself for hours writing. Or she sits on the side of the lake in the autumn sunshine with her dog at her side; just being…allowing the great divine feminine Earth Mother energy to enter through her feet and body resting on the ground. Another day she loses track of time as she paints with only her intuition as her guide; using whatever implement is at hand…brush, sponge, fingers, baby wipes, credit card…to create beautiful, unique artwork. On Saturday, she decided to give a lampshade a makeover and created a beautiful lamp for the living room.

I am grateful that my feminine side emerges more and more often. Sometimes she shows up unbidden and silently, without warning. If I am open to it, but don’t look her in the eye as if to scare her, if I go with the flow of this feminine energy, I find myself full of joy and wonder.

It is those moments that I feel most connected to the Divine. Those moments when I know the Divine is in me (and in every living creature), working through me (and every living creature).

That is my bliss. I am alive and connected to my Divine feminine. I am creative, inspired, beautiful, heart-centred, intuitive and loving.

I don’t know where she’ll lead me, but for the first time in a long time I know I’m on the right path.